#it's very heavy and involves food; insecurity; suicidal thoughts; sex mentions

[la-princessaa]

This is kind of a "probably better as an actual diary entry" post, but for some reason I write better when I'm posting on social media? I don't lose steam as fast, lol. So, if this sees the light of day, ayo. If not, then I hope that this can be a turning point. I hope I look back at this and am reminded that I am... Thought of and loved in ways my brain may choose to ignore too often.

I have not been doing well lately, I think that's just been my general statement for the last... Year and a half. Big life changes, general growing, current circumstances, etc etc. I've lost a tremendous amount of confidence in myself. I have not been treating myself well. Lately, it has been awful. I was better for a couple of months, and then I wasn't. I was okay. And then I got sick and couldn't really eat. And then I relapsed. I don't feel particularly like spelling it out, but I'm sure the jist is there. And now I can only really go a couple of weeks of feeling better.

I do not have confidence. Everything I do isn't for me, it's for people around me. I need to please my boyfriend so I can keep him, in many different contexts, or else. Which, is extremely untrue, as a disclaimer. He's told me many, many, many times that this is not the case. It's just hard trying to unlearn previous relationships where no matter what I did, I was never enough. Couple that in with learning that some things are just so easy to do now! and you've got yourself a one-way ticket to fucking up a lot of things. And it's been bad lately. I tell myself I have to try and get better, so I can be a better person for those who care about me because I love them and they don't deserve to be treated this way. They deserve to have things they tell me remembered, to have a functioning conversation partner, to have someone that won't internally cling to the ceiling at the words "where do you wanna eat?" or intentionally him and haw about where to eat in the hopes that they'll just pick something so i don't have to because I don't want to be a monetary inconvenience or have to figure out what I want to eat, which is two paths. Yadda yadda. To have someone that isn't afraid to take up space emotionally. I'm petrified of taking up space. Of inconveniencing people. Of having an outward opinion. Of being a person.

Lately, it has been bad. A few days of being better, and then I go back. "Nobody cares" thoughts are creeping in. Within the last week, I've bawled my eyes out 4-5 times because it's all just been so much and I don't care if this kills me, maybe it's better it does. I see the people who are supposed to care about me and I shrug them off. People make innocent comments and suddenly I'm arched and hissing like a cat, how dare you say that? Are you saying I'm not this thing? You're saying you'd like me to change, is that it? And then I'm meek and crying. Of course they're saying that, that's what they want me to be. Okay. Okay. I can do that for you. Just don't leave. Please. I'm so sensitive, it's awful, even for me because I know they don't mean comments like that. I don't want them to feel like they have to carefully watch every single word they say, but suddenly I'm exploding and hurting and they don't even know why. They couldn't even have prevented it.

I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to say help, I want to be nothing so people will love me. Help, I don't know how to have an opinion anymore. Help, I'll put up with anything. Help, I want to be a skeleton. Like, I thought about it the other day and I realized that I'm a prime target to be abused. I'm so grateful I'm with the man I am right now because holy shit. I'd be in dangerous territory if I wasn't. It's still a terrifying thought.

Anyway. This is half the point of this word salad. I needed to get everything I'm too afraid to say to people into the world because if I'm too quiet, I will die. Either metaphorically, or I will be leaving the people I love most with holes in their hearts. I've never typed that out, or said it. But now I'm finally really thinking about it, and I know I don't want to do that. I do not want to leave my sister, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends, my family, with one of the saddest stories in the world to tell. I do not want to be an "I had" person. Some days I think I do. But I realize that I don't want that, deep down. I don't want my sister to have to say "I had a sister, but she's gone now" or "when my sister was alive". I don't want that for her. I don't want to promise a future with my boyfriend and then be like, haha, sike. I don't want my parents to have to bury their daughter.

All because my sister bought me a cinnamoroll lip gloss. All because my cousin bought me the zero sugar strawberries and cream Dr Pepper. Because my boyfriend told me on Friday "do you want ice cream? I just wanna take you out somewhere" and a ton of other nice things alongside listening to me when I brought something up to him. It's the way my sister hugs me and the way I see her now. How beautiful and happy she looks. I don't want to steal that from her. It's the note that I put up from my best friend that tells me I'm loved. It's the crown on my shelf from my other best friend because she "thought I deserved one". It's the Christmas gifts from my long gone great grandma that all say "love you" on them and one calls me darling. It's the way my dad calls me by my special nickname and asks me if I wanna eat with him and my mom. It's the way my mom tells me about the movies she watches.

I want this to mark recovery. I want this to mark getting better. Currently, I'm not doing super great still. I'd like to do something unsavory because I still have this nagging thought that I should just make life easy for everyone else and be a prop in their lives. Either someone who does nothing but upkeeps the house, takes care of the dogs and then lays in their room and rots in their free time, or someone that'll make sex easy. You can do whatever you want, it's fine! I'll just weep and harm myself about it later. But it's fine if I hurt if you're happy. (Hard opposite of what the person I have sex with wants, disclaimer.)

I want to upend my entire life, right now. I want to lay and wallow and waste away. But I don't want my loved ones to be hurt more. And I just gotta keep that going until I'm on more even footing and can do things for me. I hope that after today, that voice will be a little bit quieter. I hope that I'll look at my lip gloss, and his stupid, sweet little cinnamoroll face and know that my sister saw him and thought of me. I don't want to make him a painful memory. He's too cute for that.